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>> Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Hell Hath No Fury



She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she finished, she went into every room and stuffed half-eaten, caviar-dipped shrimp shells inside the hollow section of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything - cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam-cleaned and air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/14th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.


I love a happy ending. Don't you? LoL!!!



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Cardiologist Funeral


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted.



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Teacher's Pest


There's a teacher in a small Arizona town who asks her class how many of them are John McCain fans. Not really knowing what a McCain fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.


The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a McCain fan." The teacher asks, "Why aren't you a McCain fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a Barack Obama fan."


The teacher asks why he's a Barack Obama fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Barack Obama fan, and my Dad's a Barack Obama fan, so I'm a Barack Obama fan!" The teacher is angry, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot? What would that make you?"


Johnny says, "That would make me a 'McCalin' fan."









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